Gone. But not forgotten.
Europe's telecom dinosaurs came in for a teasing for having got "nothing" out of digital commissioner Neelie Kroes during her time in office, in a farewell rendition of 'Call me, maybe' by her staff.

An internal video of the (excruciating) "Call me, Neelie" (see what they did there?) appeared online on the YouTubes briefly - just long enough to jot down some of the lyrics and to incur life-long aural and optical scarring. A *hat-tip* to EU tech-watcher @BrusselsGeek off of the Twitters for spotting it on the Webs.

A veritable phalanx of officials took part in the good-natured video.

In one verse, a group of some of the most senior in Kroes' cabinet and civil-service staff boast that she "gave telcos nothing at all" during her five-years.

Even the head of the incumbents telco association ETNO, Luigi Gambardella gets a mention.

"You made Luigi squeal,
Just for a meeting that's real,
Next time you'll make him kneel
We'll get him out of your way."

A popular guy in the commission's telco team it seems.

And in a further reference to the 'old' telecom companies Luigi represents, the song goes:

"For all the old boys
You were so nasty
They won't miss you"

Neelie's former boss features too.

"Barroso was slowing,
Torn dreams, tiredness showing..."

And Neelie herself comes in for a gentle jibe as well.

In front of a wall of some of the Dutchwoman's more famous verbal tortures, her own chief of staff (who masterminded the video) stares quizzically into his phone, singing:

"It's so hard to get you 
First time, Neelie,
Could you repeat that?
Be clearer maybe."

And the vision of the most senior staff member Director General Robert Madelin in Kroes-style drag is one that is seared on my retinas for eternity. 

So it's only fair I sear it upon yours too.

The irony that the commission's "Digital" departments weren't quite tech savvy enough to navigate YouTube's privacy settings is perhaps reflected nicely in the stanza that says it's important to "fail once maybe".

With the stress, no doubt, on the 'maybe'...



Friday, November 14, 2014 | 1 comments »

In a shock announcement in this article, self-proclaimed erratic EU satire furball Berlaymonster has called for EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker not to step down.

Former Luxembourg PM Juncker has faced calls to quit following revelations he did some things that weren't nice or something and others also did within the law but anyway boo hiss down with him etcetera.

A source close to this blog, me, told this blog, me, "anyone seeking his departure is a kuñardocz, and appears to have forgotten the last sorry, miserable, stultifying twenty years of commission presidents."

"This guy sounds like FUN" I told me.

"Let him stick around."

A compromise replacement, I told myself under strict condition that I quoted myself fully, "would inevitably land us with five more years of just whinging about how boring he or she is."

In the short term, BM said we were "far from done" with coming up with punning alternatives to Juncker's name or passing snide comments about his chief of staff.

And looking to the coming months and years, "imagine how much more material I'm going to get out of this, if the first fortnight of his tenure has been such a rich seam of funnery."

"Besides, if he goes, what am I going to do with all these pre-prepared photoshopped Juncker heads I've got on file for future tenuous news-themed mock-ups?" I asked, incredulously.

But then lunch wore off.


Latest smartphone game craze...

Monday, November 10, 2014 | 1 comments »


[*satire typing mittens off - this one's for real, folks*]

Has the Lancashire lass from mining stock got 'erself all airs and graces now she's livin' it up in that-there Brussels as 'igh-rep? La-de-dah.

Flabbergasted staff in her EU 'external action service' are wondering if they've been suckered by some elaborate prank, after being invited to a farewell 'coffee' for the departing peer.

To start with the invite is in Comic Sans. Although that's the least awful thing about the email.

The choice passage is highlighted in shouty red letters with a stern underlining (tho still in cuddly Comic Sans).

"The Cabinet has indicated that HRVP Ashton will come with her own coffee/tea mug and is expecting us to do the same", the invite blurts helpfully.

"Please note that the HRVP does not usually sign autographs: kindly refrain also from taking selfies."

The invite isn't explicit as to whether a light touching of Her hem may be permissible, or if, as a goodbye treat, minions may leave their shoes on in Her presence.


(*hat-doff to the several people who brought this to BM's attention/inbox*)