Friday, November 14, 2014 | 1 comments »

In a shock announcement in this article, self-proclaimed erratic EU satire furball Berlaymonster has called for EU commission president Jean-Claude Juncker not to step down.

Former Luxembourg PM Juncker has faced calls to quit following revelations he did some things that weren't nice or something and others also did within the law but anyway boo hiss down with him etcetera.

A source close to this blog, me, told this blog, me, "anyone seeking his departure is a kuñardocz, and appears to have forgotten the last sorry, miserable, stultifying twenty years of commission presidents."

"This guy sounds like FUN" I told me.

"Let him stick around."

A compromise replacement, I told myself under strict condition that I quoted myself fully, "would inevitably land us with five more years of just whinging about how boring he or she is."

In the short term, BM said we were "far from done" with coming up with punning alternatives to Juncker's name or passing snide comments about his chief of staff.

And looking to the coming months and years, "imagine how much more material I'm going to get out of this, if the first fortnight of his tenure has been such a rich seam of funnery."

"Besides, if he goes, what am I going to do with all these pre-prepared photoshopped Juncker heads I've got on file for future tenuous news-themed mock-ups?" I asked, incredulously.

But then lunch wore off.


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Monday, November 10, 2014 | 1 comments »


[*satire typing mittens off - this one's for real, folks*]

Has the Lancashire lass from mining stock got 'erself all airs and graces now she's livin' it up in that-there Brussels as 'igh-rep? La-de-dah.

Flabbergasted staff in her EU 'external action service' are wondering if they've been suckered by some elaborate prank, after being invited to a farewell 'coffee' for the departing peer.

To start with the invite is in Comic Sans. Although that's the least awful thing about the email.

The choice passage is highlighted in shouty red letters with a stern underlining (tho still in cuddly Comic Sans).

"The Cabinet has indicated that HRVP Ashton will come with her own coffee/tea mug and is expecting us to do the same", the invite blurts helpfully.

"Please note that the HRVP does not usually sign autographs: kindly refrain also from taking selfies."

The invite isn't explicit as to whether a light touching of Her hem may be permissible, or if, as a goodbye treat, minions may leave their shoes on in Her presence.


(*hat-doff to the several people who brought this to BM's attention/inbox*)

Injured wildfowl are up in wings over a "frankly libelous" claim that their handicaps somehow liken them to the current outgoing European Commission.
"Let me go,
I have a quasi-governmental superstructure to run." 

A spokesduck for the CBE (Canards Boiteux d'Europe) said lame ducks were "incensed" at the suggestion that having "one slightly dodgy leg should somehow equate us with a shower of soon-to-be has-beens who wouldn't know a diaper from an elbow-pad."

"I mean, I can still FLY", said the spokesduck. "This shower of tired old penguins couldn't get a green paper off the ground, let alone themselves."

The lame-duck alliance insisted it was "infinitely" more capable of running the EU executive than the departing team.

The CBE arranged a fly-by over the European Commission car-park, where they held a coordinated protest on the fleet of shiny black Mercs out back. They then headed south for winter to go and swim around in circles somewhere warmer. The departing European Commission is expected to join them in late November to do exactly the same. Just less well.